I remember days where my parents would have folks over and I would
be going out. And I would wear a hoodie and jeans and then
I would go to our lobby, our little foyer, and then I would change, I would
take off my hoodie and my pants to put on my shorts and
T shirt and then leave 'em in the lobby, go out,
come home and put them back on before going back inside, crazy.
And I know my sister has memories of when
she had her acting out phase. I know that she
would take off her hijab before, like would wear it at the house
and then take it off. And so little things like that.
And we're talking about 10 11 years old, 12 years old. So not
even anything to judge or anything, and
not that it should ever be judged, but to know that
a young person finding their identity in a time of your life where you're
like... Of course, the world feels like it's falling apart and you have
no idea who you are, but you think you know everything. So the
clearest answer to me was like, "Oh well my parents who should be
loving me unconditionally 'cause this is what gay white culture and media
has taught me is that like, "Come out to your parents,
live in your truth, live in your light." Or your parents should love
you unconditionally. If they don't love you that tells you everything you
need to know. This kind of idea of like... And in media as
we started to see more and more LGBT culture, it's always the evil
parents who kicked their kids out. And so, I had no model for...
It was bad enough that I wasn't in med school already,
and so
to know that I already had this other thing is gonna be extremely
disappointing. And I've always had a strong personality, in the sense of
what's right and wrong and to know that I felt like I was
being treated unfairly and wrong it like... Sparks started flying in the
worst way between my mom and I. And we would bump heads a
lot. I would go out, when I first started going out...
Oh, actually I remember... This is fun, I remember going to my first
pride at 17
with that person I had a crush on, and some of our friends,
and coming home super late at night, and so, probably got home around like
11 which was kinda late for a 17 year old for my family,
and at the time... And my sister banged on my door and was
like "Where were you?" And I was like, "I was out."
And she's like, "Where were you today?" And I was like,
"I was with my friends, we were in the city." And I went
to slam the door shut 'cause I was like, "I'm not doing this...
You're not my mother, I'm not doing this game with... I'm not playing this
game with you." And then going back and forth a lot,
and then eventually
she had gotten the door open just enough, and then she was like,
"You are a disgrace to my parents." And she spit on my face.
And I was 17. And so, I remember... My sister and I have always
had a difficult relationship and it didn't get better until she got married
and left the house. We started to like... And then she had kids
and we started to understand like, "Okay, for the sake of
these children, or for the sake of you who've just gotten married let's
work on... Let's work on this." But at that
time, 17, my older sister just spit on my face and told me I
was a disgrace. And my parents started having these conversations with me.
And my brother who I'm not really that close to at the time,
only because he's 21 and going through his own s***. And so,
not having... Not really having anything at home making me feel nurtured,
or comfortable, or secure, or loved. These things that are like really,
really crucial for anyone,
just put a straight fork in the road. And even though my name is Mohamed,
and I was introducing myself as that to everyone, I
just knew that me and Islam right now are not it.
Not happening. None of my friends were religious. I didn't know any queer
Muslims, I didn't know any gay Muslims. Maybe there were, if I would
go out there would be like an Arab gogo boy. And that was
my closest relationship to Islam and
anyone gay. And so...
Just really difficult to... I think... Yeah, there were reality shows and
stuff
and nothing real, nothing substantially I could relate to. So
it's actually sad when you think about it now 'cause those things...
Any teenager is gonna have that moment with their parents, whether it's
when they're dating, or if they've started drinking, if they wanna go away
for college, if they... Whatever it is. And so it just sucks that
that was my version with my parents. And so at some point around
when I started to kind of go abstinent and then kind of pursue
happiness, or a sense of self, I had learned to forgive my parents
for those interactions... And as I started to understand
the world at large, and this world, and this society being the product
of men having manipulated and abused a lot of things, including religion,
I started to understand that my parents are... Love me, first of all.
They only want the best for me. For my parents to not want me
to be gay is for them not to want me to go to
hell. For them it's a simple equation, you're gay, if you act on
it, you're going to hell, simple as that. For people who love me,
who wants to spend eternity with me in the after life,
who want me to have an easy life here on this Earth,
queerness, gayness doesn't compute, there's no room for it, it doesn't make
any sense.